Saturday, March 19, 2016

A door is open / three phases of learning to be happy to be Simone


so i finally have time to write a new post.

It's been a long time since i wrote something here, but there are a lot of reasons why i did not write anything. First of all because of my former profession it was not possible to be Simone. I was always traveling and so i had no time and actually i did not thought about Simone. But mid of last year i changed my mind and stopped my profession and decided to move to Hamburg in Germany. Before moved to Hamburg i changed a few times to Simone but it was nothing special. But she was always on my mind. At some stage in January i finally was ready to get all my clothes from the groudfloor and revitalized Simone. You might remember that i wrote something about waves and each wave was stronger than the wave before. But at that time i did not realized what happened then.

When i look back i identify three phases of being Simone. The first phase was experimenting with female clothing. Nothing special just having fun and trying a little bit out what it means to wear female clothing. At that time it was something like a tick, a passion, but more than a crossdresser. More than one time i wonder about it and tried to stop it or just saying ok, i am a little bit crazy, but what does it take. I refused Simone quite often. But i found myself more and more in a phase which i will identify as accepting Simone at all and as as art of me. And i tell you this was really hard. A lot of postings at that time were about this feeling and about my identity. And at this time i firstly thought about what would it mean to change the gender to female. You might remember that i was already trying to get an appointment with a doctor, which did not take place because i did not found time for it. But when i look back it was really good that i did not do it. I was not ready for the next step.

But now getting to the third phase and i will name it Struggling with identity. When i moved to Hamburg and found myself wearing female clothes i felt something like he i am really happy when i am Simone. I was now aware that Simone is not longer only a part of me, no more i feel more than happy anytime i switch to Simone. Every morning and quite often during the day i wished and wish to be Simone wearing my favorite clothes and just being Simone. This was really a new experience for me. And that crossdressing is not enough. Even a part time woman could be not enough. I am afraid that i this permanent seesaw will destroy me. I more than ever aware that in the end i will have two options: the first one is and i think this is not very likely that Simone will be only something like a hobby something which i do sometimes but nothing serious. The more likely option is and i am more that ever convinced is to go for transition in the next years. But before i will decide this i will try to live s Simone so much as i can to understand what it means to be Simone for me and if i am really so happy and lucky to be Simone like it is every time i switch to Simone these days.

it is so great to wear female clothing to try to find my own way as Simone. But you might ask what happen that i think this way? I am quite often amused or more surprised that everything happens so fast. I think there are three or four things which changed everything.

Coming back to January of this year.When i finally was ready to get back my female clothing i was wondering how it will be to be Simone again. And it felt so good. I thought wow this looks good. A few days later i logged on to a crossdresser forum and found very interesting postings which motivated me not only to be a indoor transsexual but more to accept it and live it and to go out. So i decided this will be the right time to go out in the evening as Simone. And it was in the beginning of february when i first moved out as Simone on high heels and i enjoyed it very much. And this was like a starting point. In found a new fried on the crossdresser forum a lady which decided to be a woman and live as a woman. She told me about self-help groups in Hamburg and strongly recommended to go to one of these groups. And furthermore i found a posting about a group meeting once a week starting next thursday in which the inner values and feelings will be in focus. I wrote an email to the guy about my feelings, about that i am not sure what i am and what the correct way will be and that i like to join this group. After two days i got an answer that he is happy about my email and that this group will be the correct one for me and that he likes to meet me for a first chat. I confirmed this meeting the next week. The meeting would take place in another part of Hamburg and that i need to take the bus, the subway and walk through one of the most popular parts of Hamburg. But you need to know that Hamburg is a open minded, tolerant city.

So i was worried about taking the public transportation. But i found a lot of great postings of other transsexuals or transgenders who were i the same situation and they encouraged me just to do it. You must know that in bigger cities as for instance Hamburg nobody really looks for other people. The most people in bus, subways or trains just playing with there mobile devices or sleeping, but only a few really watch other people. So i checked this for myself the next days and made the same experience. But there is something more which was recommended. Just be self conscious and feeling good than everything will be ok.

The evening before the meeting i went out again on my favorite knee length black boots with 10cm heels. But this was a little bit annoying. I was not so used of walking white high heels for a longer time ( i walked about one hour with high heels) and i got a big blister right behind the toes which was really painful.i was not able to walk without pain the next days. So i decided it is time to order some new shoes with block heels. I found three really great heels in spain and ordered them. And then the big day came. I was so happy to go out as Simone. Oh i forgot something. A friend of mine recommended me to check a store named bon prix and i found there a lot of great clothes, new bras, new slips, new rocks and new pullovers. And i got them a few days before and i was very sure what i will wear. So after work i shaved my skin, dressed myself and put some make up and a town long hair wig. I checked me in the mirror and i said to myself hey i like me and i felt suddenly as Simone and i was so happy. Because of the blister i took my timberland boots and so i moved to the bus station. At a crosswalk a woman passed by and checked me very careful but i enjoyed it. I've reached the bus station and a few people were there but nobody was looking around. I entered the bus and found a seat. I looked around and an older woman checked me as well but did not say anything. But i did not care anyway. I just felt good and said to myself this is so great, this is how i want to be. So i reached the subway station, which was very crowded. I found my way to the platform and waited for the subway. I had to take the subway only for two stations and then i had to switch to another one. The subway was really empty and two stations later i got off the subway and waited on a very crowded platform for my next subway. I was a little bit nervous about all the people around me but it was ok. I entered then the next subway and found a seat. Actually i had to take this subway for half an hour. But the subway became more and more packed so i decided to get off at the main station to change to a local train. What i did not realized was that i chose the wrong exit and found myself two blocks aways from the main station. So i walked back to the station, i passed a lot of people and i was feeling more and more relaxed and happy. I really enjoyed it.So i took the local train to my final station and walked to the office building. There were so many people on the road but it was ok. i was just me, Simone. And i was happy. I climbed up the stairways to the second floor, changed my shoes to high heels and rang the door bell. Eric opened the door and said welcome. When i saw hm i was very sure that he is a nice guy, who i can trust. So we entered a room and he asked me to take seat. Firstly i was a little bit nervous because i never talked to somebody else about Simone in real but on this evening i was finally ready to talk about me.Eric offers a discussion group 10 times ver week in which the participants will talk about their inner feelings, about their secret whites, about identity and what identity really means. he asked me first about how i will identify myself and what i expect from the group.

Now it is already late. I will continue tomorrow with more and my first self help group meeting at which i found somebody who encouraged me to be more Simone as i never been before and who understands me more than somebody else did before. Because she was in the situation as i am right now. She went through transition 15 years ago. I've met here now three times and besides she said that i really have a female charisma she said that my three phases are typical for transgenders and she encouraged me to be Simone as much as i can. But the magic word is outing. A lot of people know me and i am really scared about the ruction of them when i tell them that i am a transgender. But i know that sooner or later i have to tell them the truth. But if you just ask me right now what i would prefer a live as a man or a life as Simone i would say for sure: A life as Simone because I am Simone. But before i will go on and i want to join this discussion group and self help group meetings to learn more about me and what it means to be Simone and if this is reality or only a passion or something else.

i really like to get any comments recommendations, feelings or whatever. Or if you feel the same way or you already went through all this, especially outings would appreciate if you will contact me.

have a great time

Friday, March 4, 2016

i am back

Hello everybody,

it's been a long time since i've posted something in the blog but now i am back and i promise you to post frequently again. there is so much to tell, so much different feelings, so many new experiences and i hope you will like it.

But my current status is that i moved to another very open minded city and i like it there. I will post a lot of things the next days.

But i just want to tell you Simone is alive and i am so happy about it.


Tuesday, May 27, 2014

New wave...


i did not post anything the last weeks because of lack of time and something else. I just did not want me to dress me as a woman s often, it was only occasional. I already posted a few thoughts about the waves of dysphoria. The interesting thing is the last wave ended beginning of may but now i feel that the next wave is coming. the very first time it is only a short time between the waves. So the time to think about the whole situation and what options i have is coming closer. and i am pretty sure that this wave will be very intensive and my demand to be a woman will increase. But this is typically for dysphoria. What should i think about? Just an example. For the last weeks i only dressed at home as a woman, but only in the evening and in the morning.

But now i dress myself when i come back to the hotel and i feel that it is just great. and i want to dress me as a woman the whole day, i watch woman very closely, what they wear, what they do, how they talk, ow they behave.I know that at some point it will be tougher to switch from man to woman and back and it will be difficult for me to deal with the whole situation. It is really a mess that i do not have time to go to the therapist before mid of july and that she won't be in the office the whole august, but i think i can deal with it.

But actually i wanted to write about something i've read today. It is about how to become a woman. What are the specific things about it? First of all and this is actually the first issue i have to solve is how i dress myself that this is exactly the way want to present myself in public. So the authors proposal is to walk through shopping streets or centers and just watch woman how they are dressed like, about their figure and if you find somebody who is close to your own figure then just check what they wear, how they behave etc. i think it has something to do with authentic identity. So it starts from the breasts, that they fit to the whole body and to the average of female breasts. Usually transgender tend to take bigger silicon breasts than an average woman has natural breasts. As i do but i like them very much. whenever i wear them at home it feels so great. But if i am on my usual trips i have smaller ones and they feel good as well. but it is a difference.

The send issue is how i dress myself. I tend to wear mini rock, high heels, corsets and this beautiful stuff, but an average woman does not. So the author recommends to wear female but not to sexy stuff. Ok if you like to be a prostitute then this dress is great, but not for an average woman. So if you want to be noticed as a woman then it is important to wear the dresses other woman with the same figure does at well. i know two places for type counseling for transgender and as soon as i have time i will go to this place and hope that i will get a really good type counseling.

The next thing are what about the wig, the make up, the hiding of typical male body things. By the way i really don't like it, because it interferes my wish to become a woman.

The lesson i learned today is that i will continue to watch and learn and find my own dress style.

by the way a very last remark for today. yesterday i spend the day in meetings with a beautiful woman, she was dressed in a fantastic way and all i wanted was just to try it by myself how i looks like i this dress. it was just great.

So have a great time and i will post soon something more.


Monday, April 21, 2014

The story goes on: look in the past first part

The story goes on: look in the past

I already wrote about my childhood, about that there are some experiences that i did not feel so well playing my role as a boy. I admired the girls, but they did not want to talk to me.

When i was in my youth, it was getting a little bit better. I understood more the role i have to play. I actually did not have so many friends, i knew a lot of people, but that's all. I always tried to deal with my role as much as i can. But at this time i just thought about what csn i do to get better at school, to get a girl friend. When i was 14 i finally had my first girl friend, but she was far away in the states. I think her name was Heather. At the time i had to return to europe i felt just awful. It took some time before i got over it. I learned my role better and actually when i was 16/17 everything went better. But i still had problems with the girls. I just did not feel well to get in touch with thrm. I watched them from the distance and when i got a smile i was just happy. I thought about being together with her and more. It was just silly.

The first years at the university it was better, i used to play my role very well and met a lot of fantastic people. Some of them are still my friends today.

But something did not change. I met girls, but we just became friends. I never said the most important sentence i love you to a few of them over the time. We could talk about everything but there was just like a barrier. I think i just was to shy maybe, but now i see another reason.

What about that it was not possible because i jut played my role, but deep in my heart i knew that i can't love them because i just did not feel well in the role i had to play?

the second response

The second response and the last days

Today i finally got the answer by the another therapist group. They wrote me that i am absolutely right to contact them and that they offer me two alternatives for a first appointment. But it is really a pitty that i haven't any time til july for this apoointment because i have to much to do with my regular job. But it looks like that i will have a lot of time end of july and begiining of august. So i think then it would be possible to have an appointment there.

And actually it will be really good to have such an appointment. In the last days it was just strange. As soon as it was possible to change my clothes i did it and i really loved it. When i woke up in the morning i thought about how this first appointment will be. Yes, i know i had this thoughts already for a long time.

But there was just another thought i had in the last two days and i guess this will be an alternative. As long as my female side agrees with it. Why not integrate both genders and just switch anytime i want to from gender to gender? I know my female side wants me to live the whole time as a woman and cannot wait til the therapy starts. She really wants transition, but right now it is not that i am afraid of the consequences it is just to have the best of both worlds.....

I am still thinking about this appointment. She wrote something about that i contact them in the first run. So i think they will listen to me and then we wil discuss the next steps. Which therapist will fit, what i can expect, what are my personal desires, what are my preferences all this. I really like to have this appointment right now.

The funny thing is during the day during the work i do not thinking so miuch about my two identiess but if i leave the office i start thinking again. It is really strange.

Do some of my readers do have the same experience? I really like to know more about what you thinking about all this i write down all the time. I see a lot of traffic but i do not see any comments. Why don't you just drop a comment? Just if you like the way i write, what you think about my situation, about what your experience is. I really like to know it. Please leave acommemt. Just do it :-).

Monday, April 14, 2014

the response

The response by the therapist

I spent the weekend as much as possible as a woman, i really love it. Sunday afternoon it was time again to take the train to the other city and so i decided to wear feminine underwear again. It just felt good.

But now to the answer by the therapist, which i really like:

Your description of your temporary discomfort against your native gender and the demand to live in another gender sounds very familiar to me. For the most of my clients this process of searching for the gender which fits with their own identity is not straight, but in stages.

There are always times, in which the pulse to change the gender is controverted and suppressed. But at the same time the demand to live in a way to satisfy the own gender feeling grows and the more somebody lives this way the stronger the demand will grow. A lot of the clients reflecting a possible transition are in their 40ies.

Shr would offer you a appointment for a first contact, but she is booked out the next 8 month.

So how i deal with this? First of all she confirmed two things i noticed in the last months

- the feeling to be in a wrong gender grows stronger the more i fight against it
- This feeling is coming in stages.

The third thing is that at least people in my age reflecting this issue and think about transition as i do.

The offer for an appointment indicates that it is not in illusion my female side have. It is reality. And the more i say no stop it, it is just an illusion the reaction is much stronger. Actually, to be honest, i noticed the same.

So she recommended me to contact another self help group and i will do this.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

A night in the city and the days before

A night in the city and the days before

In the last days the desire to be a woman was still very strong, but i did not want to go out as a woman in the real life. Not now but pretty sure later.

The last time i went to my hotel i took a pink rock, a red shirt, a blue slip nylons, a white beautiful bra, a black satin nightshirt and black high heels with me. It was just the desire when i am in another city i want to have a few things to wear. I really enjoyed it in o the evening to change my clothes and spend the evening and the night as a woman.

Friday morning i only had to work a couple of hours so i decided to wear already my nylons and a slip at work and when i was on my way home i wore this bra as well. It felt so good.

When i arrived at home i finally got the package with my pink leggings, two pink shirts, a blue shirt and new nylons. I was so happy to get it. I decided to wear my new pink leggings, the pink red shirt and a blue kneelong high heels with 10cm heels. Then i did my make up, my red brown wig and looked into the mirror and i just liked it.

At once there came the desire to go out that night. So i thought about where to go to and i decided to go to the next bigger city. I went down to my car and then the first challenge came. How to drive with this high heels? In the beginning it was some kind of tricky. But then it was just fun. I really love high heels. I drove to the city and parked my car as i always do there, and then my fun started really. I just wanted to walk along the streets to a park, make there a rest and return to my car. I was so self confident that i was already around midnight that everybody was hearing me walking. The high heels are really loud. But i got used of walking with high heels. A few people passed my way, some older, some younger, some boys, some girls, but it was just me and my fun. At some point i arrived at the park, sat down on a bank and relaxed a little bit. But then i heard a group of teenagers walking to my direction and so i decided to return to my car. All in all i was 3 hours outside and i loved every minute of it.

What does it tell me? It is absolutely ok to go out as a woman, it is just be yourself and don't be nervous the most people don't look at all.....