Saturday, March 19, 2016

A door is open / three phases of learning to be happy to be Simone


so i finally have time to write a new post.

It's been a long time since i wrote something here, but there are a lot of reasons why i did not write anything. First of all because of my former profession it was not possible to be Simone. I was always traveling and so i had no time and actually i did not thought about Simone. But mid of last year i changed my mind and stopped my profession and decided to move to Hamburg in Germany. Before moved to Hamburg i changed a few times to Simone but it was nothing special. But she was always on my mind. At some stage in January i finally was ready to get all my clothes from the groudfloor and revitalized Simone. You might remember that i wrote something about waves and each wave was stronger than the wave before. But at that time i did not realized what happened then.

When i look back i identify three phases of being Simone. The first phase was experimenting with female clothing. Nothing special just having fun and trying a little bit out what it means to wear female clothing. At that time it was something like a tick, a passion, but more than a crossdresser. More than one time i wonder about it and tried to stop it or just saying ok, i am a little bit crazy, but what does it take. I refused Simone quite often. But i found myself more and more in a phase which i will identify as accepting Simone at all and as as art of me. And i tell you this was really hard. A lot of postings at that time were about this feeling and about my identity. And at this time i firstly thought about what would it mean to change the gender to female. You might remember that i was already trying to get an appointment with a doctor, which did not take place because i did not found time for it. But when i look back it was really good that i did not do it. I was not ready for the next step.

But now getting to the third phase and i will name it Struggling with identity. When i moved to Hamburg and found myself wearing female clothes i felt something like he i am really happy when i am Simone. I was now aware that Simone is not longer only a part of me, no more i feel more than happy anytime i switch to Simone. Every morning and quite often during the day i wished and wish to be Simone wearing my favorite clothes and just being Simone. This was really a new experience for me. And that crossdressing is not enough. Even a part time woman could be not enough. I am afraid that i this permanent seesaw will destroy me. I more than ever aware that in the end i will have two options: the first one is and i think this is not very likely that Simone will be only something like a hobby something which i do sometimes but nothing serious. The more likely option is and i am more that ever convinced is to go for transition in the next years. But before i will decide this i will try to live s Simone so much as i can to understand what it means to be Simone for me and if i am really so happy and lucky to be Simone like it is every time i switch to Simone these days.

it is so great to wear female clothing to try to find my own way as Simone. But you might ask what happen that i think this way? I am quite often amused or more surprised that everything happens so fast. I think there are three or four things which changed everything.

Coming back to January of this year.When i finally was ready to get back my female clothing i was wondering how it will be to be Simone again. And it felt so good. I thought wow this looks good. A few days later i logged on to a crossdresser forum and found very interesting postings which motivated me not only to be a indoor transsexual but more to accept it and live it and to go out. So i decided this will be the right time to go out in the evening as Simone. And it was in the beginning of february when i first moved out as Simone on high heels and i enjoyed it very much. And this was like a starting point. In found a new fried on the crossdresser forum a lady which decided to be a woman and live as a woman. She told me about self-help groups in Hamburg and strongly recommended to go to one of these groups. And furthermore i found a posting about a group meeting once a week starting next thursday in which the inner values and feelings will be in focus. I wrote an email to the guy about my feelings, about that i am not sure what i am and what the correct way will be and that i like to join this group. After two days i got an answer that he is happy about my email and that this group will be the correct one for me and that he likes to meet me for a first chat. I confirmed this meeting the next week. The meeting would take place in another part of Hamburg and that i need to take the bus, the subway and walk through one of the most popular parts of Hamburg. But you need to know that Hamburg is a open minded, tolerant city.

So i was worried about taking the public transportation. But i found a lot of great postings of other transsexuals or transgenders who were i the same situation and they encouraged me just to do it. You must know that in bigger cities as for instance Hamburg nobody really looks for other people. The most people in bus, subways or trains just playing with there mobile devices or sleeping, but only a few really watch other people. So i checked this for myself the next days and made the same experience. But there is something more which was recommended. Just be self conscious and feeling good than everything will be ok.

The evening before the meeting i went out again on my favorite knee length black boots with 10cm heels. But this was a little bit annoying. I was not so used of walking white high heels for a longer time ( i walked about one hour with high heels) and i got a big blister right behind the toes which was really painful.i was not able to walk without pain the next days. So i decided it is time to order some new shoes with block heels. I found three really great heels in spain and ordered them. And then the big day came. I was so happy to go out as Simone. Oh i forgot something. A friend of mine recommended me to check a store named bon prix and i found there a lot of great clothes, new bras, new slips, new rocks and new pullovers. And i got them a few days before and i was very sure what i will wear. So after work i shaved my skin, dressed myself and put some make up and a town long hair wig. I checked me in the mirror and i said to myself hey i like me and i felt suddenly as Simone and i was so happy. Because of the blister i took my timberland boots and so i moved to the bus station. At a crosswalk a woman passed by and checked me very careful but i enjoyed it. I've reached the bus station and a few people were there but nobody was looking around. I entered the bus and found a seat. I looked around and an older woman checked me as well but did not say anything. But i did not care anyway. I just felt good and said to myself this is so great, this is how i want to be. So i reached the subway station, which was very crowded. I found my way to the platform and waited for the subway. I had to take the subway only for two stations and then i had to switch to another one. The subway was really empty and two stations later i got off the subway and waited on a very crowded platform for my next subway. I was a little bit nervous about all the people around me but it was ok. I entered then the next subway and found a seat. Actually i had to take this subway for half an hour. But the subway became more and more packed so i decided to get off at the main station to change to a local train. What i did not realized was that i chose the wrong exit and found myself two blocks aways from the main station. So i walked back to the station, i passed a lot of people and i was feeling more and more relaxed and happy. I really enjoyed it.So i took the local train to my final station and walked to the office building. There were so many people on the road but it was ok. i was just me, Simone. And i was happy. I climbed up the stairways to the second floor, changed my shoes to high heels and rang the door bell. Eric opened the door and said welcome. When i saw hm i was very sure that he is a nice guy, who i can trust. So we entered a room and he asked me to take seat. Firstly i was a little bit nervous because i never talked to somebody else about Simone in real but on this evening i was finally ready to talk about me.Eric offers a discussion group 10 times ver week in which the participants will talk about their inner feelings, about their secret whites, about identity and what identity really means. he asked me first about how i will identify myself and what i expect from the group.

Now it is already late. I will continue tomorrow with more and my first self help group meeting at which i found somebody who encouraged me to be more Simone as i never been before and who understands me more than somebody else did before. Because she was in the situation as i am right now. She went through transition 15 years ago. I've met here now three times and besides she said that i really have a female charisma she said that my three phases are typical for transgenders and she encouraged me to be Simone as much as i can. But the magic word is outing. A lot of people know me and i am really scared about the ruction of them when i tell them that i am a transgender. But i know that sooner or later i have to tell them the truth. But if you just ask me right now what i would prefer a live as a man or a life as Simone i would say for sure: A life as Simone because I am Simone. But before i will go on and i want to join this discussion group and self help group meetings to learn more about me and what it means to be Simone and if this is reality or only a passion or something else.

i really like to get any comments recommendations, feelings or whatever. Or if you feel the same way or you already went through all this, especially outings would appreciate if you will contact me.

have a great time

Friday, March 4, 2016

i am back

Hello everybody,

it's been a long time since i've posted something in the blog but now i am back and i promise you to post frequently again. there is so much to tell, so much different feelings, so many new experiences and i hope you will like it.

But my current status is that i moved to another very open minded city and i like it there. I will post a lot of things the next days.

But i just want to tell you Simone is alive and i am so happy about it.