Monday, April 21, 2014

The story goes on: look in the past first part

The story goes on: look in the past

I already wrote about my childhood, about that there are some experiences that i did not feel so well playing my role as a boy. I admired the girls, but they did not want to talk to me.

When i was in my youth, it was getting a little bit better. I understood more the role i have to play. I actually did not have so many friends, i knew a lot of people, but that's all. I always tried to deal with my role as much as i can. But at this time i just thought about what csn i do to get better at school, to get a girl friend. When i was 14 i finally had my first girl friend, but she was far away in the states. I think her name was Heather. At the time i had to return to europe i felt just awful. It took some time before i got over it. I learned my role better and actually when i was 16/17 everything went better. But i still had problems with the girls. I just did not feel well to get in touch with thrm. I watched them from the distance and when i got a smile i was just happy. I thought about being together with her and more. It was just silly.

The first years at the university it was better, i used to play my role very well and met a lot of fantastic people. Some of them are still my friends today.

But something did not change. I met girls, but we just became friends. I never said the most important sentence i love you to a few of them over the time. We could talk about everything but there was just like a barrier. I think i just was to shy maybe, but now i see another reason.

What about that it was not possible because i jut played my role, but deep in my heart i knew that i can't love them because i just did not feel well in the role i had to play?

the second response

The second response and the last days

Today i finally got the answer by the another therapist group. They wrote me that i am absolutely right to contact them and that they offer me two alternatives for a first appointment. But it is really a pitty that i haven't any time til july for this apoointment because i have to much to do with my regular job. But it looks like that i will have a lot of time end of july and begiining of august. So i think then it would be possible to have an appointment there.

And actually it will be really good to have such an appointment. In the last days it was just strange. As soon as it was possible to change my clothes i did it and i really loved it. When i woke up in the morning i thought about how this first appointment will be. Yes, i know i had this thoughts already for a long time.

But there was just another thought i had in the last two days and i guess this will be an alternative. As long as my female side agrees with it. Why not integrate both genders and just switch anytime i want to from gender to gender? I know my female side wants me to live the whole time as a woman and cannot wait til the therapy starts. She really wants transition, but right now it is not that i am afraid of the consequences it is just to have the best of both worlds.....

I am still thinking about this appointment. She wrote something about that i contact them in the first run. So i think they will listen to me and then we wil discuss the next steps. Which therapist will fit, what i can expect, what are my personal desires, what are my preferences all this. I really like to have this appointment right now.

The funny thing is during the day during the work i do not thinking so miuch about my two identiess but if i leave the office i start thinking again. It is really strange.

Do some of my readers do have the same experience? I really like to know more about what you thinking about all this i write down all the time. I see a lot of traffic but i do not see any comments. Why don't you just drop a comment? Just if you like the way i write, what you think about my situation, about what your experience is. I really like to know it. Please leave acommemt. Just do it :-).

Monday, April 14, 2014

the response

The response by the therapist

I spent the weekend as much as possible as a woman, i really love it. Sunday afternoon it was time again to take the train to the other city and so i decided to wear feminine underwear again. It just felt good.

But now to the answer by the therapist, which i really like:

Your description of your temporary discomfort against your native gender and the demand to live in another gender sounds very familiar to me. For the most of my clients this process of searching for the gender which fits with their own identity is not straight, but in stages.

There are always times, in which the pulse to change the gender is controverted and suppressed. But at the same time the demand to live in a way to satisfy the own gender feeling grows and the more somebody lives this way the stronger the demand will grow. A lot of the clients reflecting a possible transition are in their 40ies.

Shr would offer you a appointment for a first contact, but she is booked out the next 8 month.

So how i deal with this? First of all she confirmed two things i noticed in the last months

- the feeling to be in a wrong gender grows stronger the more i fight against it
- This feeling is coming in stages.

The third thing is that at least people in my age reflecting this issue and think about transition as i do.

The offer for an appointment indicates that it is not in illusion my female side have. It is reality. And the more i say no stop it, it is just an illusion the reaction is much stronger. Actually, to be honest, i noticed the same.

So she recommended me to contact another self help group and i will do this.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

A night in the city and the days before

A night in the city and the days before

In the last days the desire to be a woman was still very strong, but i did not want to go out as a woman in the real life. Not now but pretty sure later.

The last time i went to my hotel i took a pink rock, a red shirt, a blue slip nylons, a white beautiful bra, a black satin nightshirt and black high heels with me. It was just the desire when i am in another city i want to have a few things to wear. I really enjoyed it in o the evening to change my clothes and spend the evening and the night as a woman.

Friday morning i only had to work a couple of hours so i decided to wear already my nylons and a slip at work and when i was on my way home i wore this bra as well. It felt so good.

When i arrived at home i finally got the package with my pink leggings, two pink shirts, a blue shirt and new nylons. I was so happy to get it. I decided to wear my new pink leggings, the pink red shirt and a blue kneelong high heels with 10cm heels. Then i did my make up, my red brown wig and looked into the mirror and i just liked it.

At once there came the desire to go out that night. So i thought about where to go to and i decided to go to the next bigger city. I went down to my car and then the first challenge came. How to drive with this high heels? In the beginning it was some kind of tricky. But then it was just fun. I really love high heels. I drove to the city and parked my car as i always do there, and then my fun started really. I just wanted to walk along the streets to a park, make there a rest and return to my car. I was so self confident that i was already around midnight that everybody was hearing me walking. The high heels are really loud. But i got used of walking with high heels. A few people passed my way, some older, some younger, some boys, some girls, but it was just me and my fun. At some point i arrived at the park, sat down on a bank and relaxed a little bit. But then i heard a group of teenagers walking to my direction and so i decided to return to my car. All in all i was 3 hours outside and i loved every minute of it.

What does it tell me? It is absolutely ok to go out as a woman, it is just be yourself and don't be nervous the most people don't look at all.....

the first contact to a therapist

As promised the email i wrote to this therapist. I needed all my courage to write this email, but i am absolutely sure that this is the only correct way.

So here we go:

I contact you, because i need you help, to clarify who i am and what i really want.

Already for 20 years i have the feeling that something is different with me. In the very first time it was just the desire, to wear woman clothes. I bought a lot in the internet and i liked to wear them. St this time i did not have any problem to be a man, i felt as a man that time. I just thought it is something strange, but ok. It is just rarely and therefore ok. I really don't thought in detail about it, i just defined me as a occasional cross dresser.
Bit at some point i made the expierence that there is more. My female side wanted tp present herself and wanted more to dress. So i went shopping and started to enjoy wearing high heels, corsetts and silicin breats. At this time i started my first go outs as a woman. I really liked iz and so i tokk every opportunity to dress as a womam and spend time as a woman.

And as the time went by i realized that my female side became stronger and demanded more attention. I realized that my female side wanted to be a part of my life and wanted to present more.

I tried to surpress it more or less and it was ok in the beginning. My male side tried to convince my female side on a logical way,to set limits to my female side, but it was not successful in the long run, it happened just the opposite.

I got used of it that my female side comes in waves, but the waves came stronger over the years. I noticed that my female side is much stronger now and has a strong impact on my life as a man, for instance i do not like the man's typical hair grow all over the body. If i take a closer look to typical male traits i try to deny them and try to be as much as i can not to be typical male. So i gave up to fight my female side, but i learned to accept her, which wasn't quite easy. Meanwhile i really like my female side, just one reason is that i can be so different to typical mans behavoir in the daily life.

I noticed that i became more sensitive and emotional.

In the last weeks i realized that the demand grew to go out as a woman. I just feel that my male side is just like a role i play but i am not really happy playing this role.

Now the question is what does it mean for me more and more, how i deal with it, which possibilities i have. Can i really live with a frustrated man's ego? Will be there some point, at which my internal demand to be a woman is so strong that my male side gives up?

I asked myself more often in the last time what it would mean for me just to lve only as a woman? My male side says it is nonsense, you have a great job, a family, which is really a family and friends, who i really like. Do i really want to give up for just an illusion? My female identity says please free me, i am your truely identity, but on the other hand my female identiy is scared about how my family and friends will react.

Does it make any sense? Can you help me dealing with it? What can i do?

It is now longer than i expected, but my thoughts just wanted to be written down.

This was the email i sent to the therapist and i was really a bit nervous about what the reaction will be. I thought about that she will say come on, listen to your male side. But from my point of view it wasn't very likely. In my dreams i just had another feeling. That she understands me and will confirm what i'm thinking about. I dreamed about having an appointment with her. I thought about what i would wear that day. I thought about how this appointment will be. Right in the beginning i will tell her about my feelings, about my desires, about my doubts and how happy i actually feel when i can dress me like a woman and go out. She would understand this and will tell me that from her point of view i am a transgender and she would recommend a therapy to check if my desire my demand fits in reality and that it would be the best to do a one year therapy with the goal to find out if i can live as a woman as i want and will help me with the coming outs. She would recommend to contact a psychologist to be a part of this process.

When i woke up i just said to myself this would be great. be continued....

Steps into the other gender - a commented journey

One way to find out more about what happens to me is the internet. I found this little guideline in the internet on a Austrian page and i like to share this. It is really worth to think about this. There are some stages, some recommendations which i like to comment as well.

But before i start with it just a few remarks about today. It was just a good day at work and i had a lot of fun doing my sports tonight. Now i am on the way back to my hotel and i am looking forward to dress myself as a woman. This is my highlight of the day.

I wrote about this illusion visiting a gender therapist. Last night before i finally felt asleep i thought about this once again and i dreamed the same again, but more in detail. But this time the main issue was the first contact and what i will write to her as a introduction of myself. It was quite interesting to remind me on some stages i reached. This is a very good introduction about this little gender guideline. Feel free to comment this. I really will appreciate this.

Every single step is worth as long as it is a step to your own gender

1. You realize already for a long time that you want to experience the other gender for yourself? What does it really mean? Lust? Passion? Do you promise yourself a escape from your current life situation? Check it. But be careful, what will happen, if you switch to a woman or man. If you live with somebody else talk to her, to him and share this experience.

it was some curiosity, but as well a special demand i had to wear female clothes and actually at this time i was not able to think that how far this will leads me.

2. Just try it. It does not make any sense just to dream about this. You can not learn the experience of gender at home alone. Go out in your other gender. This is not forbidden, there are no reason to blame yourself for it, if it is just a part of you or could be a part of you. But go to locations or events, where you can live your other gender safely. There are many crossdresser, transgender events out there. Just check the typical web sites.

yes this is so true and i did it and i do it. it is just being myself. and it fells wonderful.

3. Now you can feel something of what it means to be a woman or man in the society. The other glance, yes, do you succeed to deceive other people? But what does it mean for you? How did you experienced yourself? What was different to the imagination or illusion you had before?

it was really strange but i liked it.

4. Talk to somebody. Talk about it with your best friends. You nedd support if you continue to walk this way. You need any advice, as well if it hurts. If somebody says you move wrongly is more worthfully as somebody just take it as it is and does not talk about it.
5. Go out as much as you can or want, just be yourself. Accept und do't be disappointed if you are not perceived as a man or woman at once. Boys and girls need years until they become woman or man. Why should it be different for you?

6. Get to know other transgenders. Realize where the problems are and if you thinking about little things. Try to learn from the experience of others.inform yourself about the risks and usage of hormones and about transition.

7. Is it really important for you to continue? Think about the different op-tions you have. There are a lot of different legal regulations. Think about it if the official way of transition fits your demand. But if you say yes, this is absolutely what i want it is time to see a therapist who is specialized in gender issues. But take your time you do not have to decide right now.

8. Does it make sense to you? Do you have doubts? Looking for answers in chatrooms, forums. Contact self help groups, you might find answers for your questions and find ways you can take as a guideline for your-self.

9. Present yourself to your friends. Explain them. It is not necessary that they hear any rumors about you. But don't give them the feeling that they have to judge you.don't be afraid: real friends will accept you. And just be honest you don't have to get along well with everybody. Some people will only needle you with this anyway.

10. Teach yourself to be a woman or man, just one woman, just one man, who you really are. You will realize to find new ways to express your real personality, your true identity. Live it the way you want, but be careful, what is really you and what is a mask you use to survive. Don't take it live really your identity you have to get rid of the mask, but be yourself.

11. Good friends are a very important support. But for them it is mostly very difficult to accept you in your new gender and still talk to you as you were just the one you used to be. Others just only seem tolerate your new gender. But help yourself. Find new friends who only knows you with your new name and gender.

12. As a mtf you will spend a lot of time to get the body you want, to re-duce the hair grow at places you do not like at all. There are a lot of possibilities to reduce it.

13. If you start to take hormones and you realize the first changed it is time to give up the hiding. You will present yourself in your new gen-der. You will meet people to whom you had only little contact.some of them won't accept your new gender, some after the transition, some never.but this is not your problem, it is theirs. Do not make it to your own.
14. It is for you almost unacceptable for you to present yourself in your old gender. Start, especially if you really want the transition to pre-pare your employer and colleagues. It is sometimes helpful to change your name to a gender neutral one that anybody takes this changes as real and seriously.
15. At one day you stand in front of a mirror and you see a woman/man. There are no doubts anymore. You are truely you eant to be. It doesn't make a different if other people accept it or not. No matter how you live. You watch yourself and you know this is a woman/man. Nothing can change this anymore adnd questioned it.

In this moment you are truly a woman/man.when ever it happens, after many years or yesterday. You are what you are. But just in another gender.

So far so good.

when i just reflect this on my own there are a lot of important views.

Just for me i

I just want to tell you something else. I was running tonight and afterwards i needed a shower. But before i took the shower i took a shaver and conti-nued to shave me. I really don't like the hairs anymore. It looks so silly. The good thing afterwards my skin is so soft. It is just a good feeling. To wear nylons, a slip and a bra under the usual man clothes. I do this quite often and i really like it. Then i went out for dinner. But to be honest. What i re-ally wanted tonight was to go out as a woman. How many of you have the same feeling, the same desire, the same demand?

The interesting thing is that this comes always when i am alone. Just a bit of strange. Why only when i am alone?

I looking forward for tomorrow afternoon. I am finally back home again and i will go to the post office to pick up three packages. Inside there is a whole set of nails and everything you nedd to wear artifical nails, then my new pink and black leggings, blue and pink shirts and new nylons. When i am at home inwill try all of these and spend the evening as a woman. Maybe i will go out and walk a little bit around.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The first step is done

Hi everybody,

tonight it was too much. When i returned from work i went running and afterwards i wanted to take a shower but instead i started to shave my arms (my legs are already shaved) and felt so disappointed about at how many places hairs are grown. i do not want them. And after shaving i took a shower and my arms feel so soft, so great. It does make a real difference between to be hairy or not. Then i wanted to go out for dinner and i decided to wear a slip, a nylon and a bra under my shirt and jeans, but all i wanted was to go out as a woman tonight. It was such a strong desire and it is still there. So when i returned from dinner, i needed a cafe.

My female side or just the one i am just started to write a email to the therapist, but only to test if it is really possible to find the correct words to express what i am feeling, what i want. it was so easy. I found the correct words, corrected one or two sentences and i was quite happy with it. So i sent it out.

i will post this later, i just have to translate it into english.

Now i'm feeling really nervous but on the other hand excited, it is just the only way to deal with the whole situation. But right now i think it was the best what i was able to do and i am looking forward to read the answer and to get an appointment.

Does anybody of you dear reader have any experience with therapists?

Thanks to good friends who encouraged me to do this.

More tomorrow, just to let you know.