Monday, March 31, 2014

Feelings and its meaning

Feelings and its meaning

I already mentioned that i found two very kind persons here and we started a discussion about feelings, demands, options and more. I just want to present this and add some own remarks on this. I really appreciate if you dear reader, will share your thoughts and write a comment. I assure that i will answer them.

But first of all i just want to write about something else.

I quite often ask myself what this feeling means to feel like a woman, like a man. There are a lot of different explanations, hints, stereotypes etc. but the question is what does it make to feel me as a woman? Is it just to dress up as a woman? No i do not think so. There must be more. We all have stereotypes. My first approach is something i've read in an answer by Heather in a blog and this is absolutely something which i think it fits.

I already wrote about this nice habit to watch women very closely, to study their behavior, their beauty. and then i just say i just wanna be like them. But what does this means in reality? nobody could be someone else. But sometimes i just dream i would be ellen barking in the movie switch. i really love this movie and when i first watched this movie i was fascinated by the story and Ellen Barkin. This blond beauty. And then i just thought what would it mean if this happen to me. Would it be wonderful, would it be like a dream come true?

A further thought. there is a part in the musical dance of the vampires in which Sarah sings that she dreams to be a woman. How often i heard this song and i love it.

Just wonderful dreams. I love the beauty and i take over this beauty to me, to my desire to be a woman.

Maybe it is confusing, it is so confusing for me as well to sort out all this thoughts, this dreams, this illusions, this demands, this pain, the logical thinking.

I know that i ask questions i only can answer for myself, but what does this feelings really mean to me?

I just think about the options i have. and actually i have to decide which of the options i will follow. Just now i identified

- keep it as it is in secret
- integrate few female traits to my characteristic and wear whenever it possible female underwear & crossdressing when i am alone
- live a few days in the year as a woman like this trans woman weekend in may and cross dress as much as possible
- change my wardrobe to more unisex and check the limits
- transition as the last option to be one with myself?

I know that can only be a part of potential options but it helps me to identify what i really want.

Are there other options?

What do you think about my current situation? Are you in the same situation as i am? or have you been in the same situation as i am just now and how did you decide? And are you happy with this decision?

But there is one thing which makes me thinking. Usually my female side comes in waves, for 2 or three weeks and then everything is fine again. it is like that my male side keeps my female side under control. But this time it is so different. My female side just does not want to be taken under control. Just the opposite. I have the feeling that my female side, my true identity wants to repress my male side. This is sometimes very strange. I do not like my hairs on the body so i shaved my legs, my breasts etc. When i go to the restroom i sit down at anytime. It is just that i am not identify with some of my male bodes characteristics and i want to get rid of them. I really love the feeling of nylons on my skin, it is a wonderful feeling.

I'm really curious about how this will continue, what happens next. Sometimes i just wish that everything goes back to my normal male life, but i think this is too late. I have to accept that my female identity is a part of me, a very important part of me and i have to find a way between being male and being female.

But back to the original question: what does it really means to be a woman? it is quite easy to say yes, you have to fill the typical cliches, dress like a woman, behave like a woman. hmm, sounds nice, bit it isn't an answer which satisfied me.

Ok going deeper:

there are some social traits which are linked typically to woman or typically to man. If you are looking for typical female traits you just work with cliches.

I just found a very interesting list of traits in the net:


dependent --> not me
emotional --> yes absolutely
passive --> not at all
sensitive --> yes i am
quiet --> sometimes
graceful --> yes indeed
innocent --> yes
weak -->sometimes
flirtatious --> sometimes
nurturing --> yes
self-critical --> yes
soft --> yes
sexually submissive
accepting --> yes
touchy --> yes


independent --> yes
non-emotional --> no way
aggressive --> no way
tough-skinned --> no way
competitive --> sometimes
clumsy --> not at all
experienced --> yes
strong --> sometimes
active --> yes
self-confident --> yes
hard --> no not at all
sexually aggressive
rebellious -> yes
loud --> no

Clearly, society’s categories for what is masculine and feminine are unrealistic. They may not capture how we truly feel, how we behave, or how we define ourselves. All men have some so-called feminine traits, and all women have some so-called masculine traits. And we may show different traits at different times. Our cultures teach women and men to be the opposite of each other in many ways. The truth is that we are more alike than different.

People who express masculine and feminine traits equally are sometimes called androgynous. Among androgynous people, neither masculine nor feminine traits dominate.

So the result is as i expected i have a few female and a few male traits..great..what does it tell me?

it is just that i identify with female traits more than typical male traits. Sometimes i think this typical male traits are ridiculous. And i don't want them.

it is already late again and i have to go to my bed. I will write more tomorrow and will come back to the comments by Jack and a few further email thoughts i had which i like to share.

Have a great time


Another day another thoughts

Yesterday evening i've read an article about the equalization of gender.i know that there are tendencies, especially in bigger cities that the gender should not play a role at all. In many school books the main persons are gay, lesbian, transsexual, single woman with kids, but no traditional family with kids. Furthermore man are presented as weak or as a house man. Hmm, pretty hard stuff. I know that nearly 80% live in classic families and only a minority live the way school books tell us as the common way of living.

I never liked these people, this gender philosophy of equalization. I actually think that it is really important to be the way how somebody feels as a man or woman. I admire women who are looking really female. Women, who dress like a man, ok, i don't think i appreciate this.

There is a study about women, who go the way through transition that in the very first years they dress very female. Yes because, this is my pint of view they are happy to be finally female and want to live this way.

It is the same with me. I love to dress me like a woman, i enjoy it, this is the way i like it.

This evening i saw a woman, she was so pretty. She wore a white pattern rock, a black nylons, a blue jacket. She just looked female. I really like it. And i want to look like her. This is really something i realized the last weeks. I look at women in a different way. I watch how they are dressed, how they behave. Then if i like it i just try to add it in my own way of life. This sounds really silly. Do you have the same experience? How do you think and feel about it?

Dreams and demands - a therapist session illusion

I did not write anything the last days. I was quite busy but now i really want to write more again.

It is really strange. When i arrived yesterday evening in my hotel and did my sports, had something for dinner all i was thinking about was to change my clothes to female looking. A bra, a slip, a pink short rock, a nice red shirt, a brown wig, my favorite high heels, black, with 10cm. I felt so good.

So i spent the evening in my favorite clothes and all i wanted was to be this way the whole time.

I actually thinking about to go to a therapist and i'm thinking about how to contact her. In my dreams i wrote her a few impressions of what i feel, of what i am looking for. And her reaction that she offers me an appointment.

The next thing is how this appointment will be. I have already a few ideas how this appointment will be and what i will say. But the very first thing is how i will dress myself that day as a woman.

In the last years i bought different sizes of silicon breasts and i really love the big ones, but i guess for such a appointment the smaller ones (size b) will be ok. But what would i wear? I've ordered yesterday a few leggings (pink, black), a few shirts. So i dreamed about wearing a pink shirt, my black leggings, a night blue rock and black high heels but with a low heel. I dreamed about doing a perfect decent make up and a red brown wig. I would look really good and i would love me the way i look.

So i went to the therapists, being really nervous. Then i would enter the door, saying to the receptionist that i have an appointment.

After a short while i would call out and enter the room and i would become more nervous. Then i would say hi and just starting a short story of my life. How i found out my female side, how i feel when i starting to wear female clothes, my first coming out as a woman in public. And that in the last month the feeling that something changed grew up, this waves which became stronger. My thoughts about playing a role as a man. I already mentioned that i do not feel so well playing this role. I would tell her everything about this feelings to play a wrong role, that deep in my soul in my heart i want to be just the one who i really am. That i dream and want to be a woman, just being myself.

But that i'm afraid of the reaction of my family, friends, customers, my whole life. I guess nobody knows about this side of me.

We would talking about options, about possibilities to live with my female and male side. About what transition would mean for me, for my life. When i lay in my bed in the morning and thinking about this this would be fantastic, that would be everything i am looking for. Her reaction would be that she understands my fears but there will be always a way to find the way to the real ego, if it is female or male. She would suggest that after she heard the whole story that i am a real candidate for transition. That she would recommend me to test to live as a woman for 12 month and then if i feel that i am really happy as a woman i should continue this way. And she strongly recommend to meet each other regularly.

But then i realize that it is easier to dream about but maybe it is just an illusion.

It is just a freaky situation.

Learned vs. innate - a discussion

Learned vs. innate - a discussion

A friend of mine, she decided to go for transition and is very happy now, asked me about what the source of my feelings are. Is it a learned behavior or innate? I think i mentioned it already. Yesterday evening she sent me a very impressive documentation about the psychologic basics and how psychologist deal with this.

Furthermore she asked me a lot of further questions about what i wrote and what i feel and this is so interesting.

But first of all i just want to tell you what happened the last two days.

I told you that i have the feeling that all this feelings are coming in waves and the waves are getting stronger and stronger from time to time. It is a very new experience for me and i really don't know how to deal with it. But i already have some ideas and i'm working on this.

I've contacted a self help group and they recommended a project, which takes care about transgender people. They offer a lot of services as make up, styling, how to move, talk and behave as a woman and they offer a weekend as a woman in may. This is such a great thing. I already wrote an email to them that i like to participate at this weekend. I really looking forward for this weekend and just live as a woman i want to be? I think this weekend will show what it means to be a woman all day long. Will i enjoy this? Is it really all what i am looking for so badly? What i daydreaming about?

And if it is really that i feel my woman in me so strong and do i have real problems to switch to my normal live as a man and i actually want to be a woman then i will go to a therapists and talk to her about this. I already found a specialized gender therapist near my home and i almost contacted her last weekend.

If i do not enjoy it (to be honest i do not think this will happen at all, i know me) then i think that the category of crossdreamer will be the correct definition for me.

But as everything in life nothing is only black or only white. It could be any stage within and then? What should i do then?

Right now my mood is changing from hour to hour sometimes everything is fine, sometimes i feel just bad about this and want to stop it right now and sometimes i just feeling ugly to be a man. Isn't it strange? Is it the normal process of finding the true identity?

But what does this means? I already wrote about this learned vs innate and now i just want to describe in my own words what is about.

The definition if innate is existing from birth, inborn. So usually if you are born as a woman you are female and if you are a man you are male. Quite easy to understand.

Learned means that behavior is learned from an external stimulus. In the way of transsexuality the assumption is that it was learned because of some circumstances, learned as a reaction of something happened in their environment. Then the psychology says if you can learn something it must be possible to unlearn it again. The result was that this can be cured by any therapy.

Psychologists continued to working on this and found out that it was not successful and so they started to analyze the patients and found out that they are healthy person and this behavior is caused by psychological reasons.

So the common understanding is that gender identity issues are not generally learned behavior, but some innate structure of the brain which these individuals are born with and must be coping behavior to deal with the inherent confusion it causes.

This is quite interesting. I think it is a combination of both, but i do have some doubts. It is obvious that because of hormones and other biological indicators in every man there a female parts as well in the opposite direction. So there are a lot of man having more female hormones than the average and does have female traits as well on the other hand there are woman having more male hormones than the average and so they are looking more than a man.

I just want to quote the asian theory of yin and yan as well as the theory of a human being could have more than one gender and the differentiation just between woman and man are just seeing black and white and not all the different grays beside.

Hmm what should i think about this? And does it explain my feelings?

Sunday, March 23, 2014

My childhood - Conflicts and dreams and the possible truth beyond

My childhood - Conflicts and dreams

Sundays are usually my favorite days. I can live my female side very intensively and today it was fantastic. I felt so good and enjoyed it to wear my favorite clothes. Furthermore i've got a answer from a self help group which was really good and there were a lot of links inside which i think are very useful. I will come back to this later on.

Yesterday i've got an email from a friend of mine and she asked me when i do had the first feeling that something is wrong already in the childhood. The reason for this question is that most transsexual person found out already when they were young that something is wrong with their gender identity. Otherwise it could have other as psychological reasons and is not really a gender conflict. This is new for me and i do a few remarks about this.

Actually i was always convinced that the first feelings came up in my late twenties, so i am a little bit confused.

Does anybody who reads my blog knows about this? Is it really true that therapists wants to cure this? As it would be something to have a cold? I understand this point of view, i really do, but then there was something in my childhood which i suppress? Hmm, actually my childhood was nice, i have two older sisters and they prepared the way i walked. I really try to remember if i had something but right now there isn't anything that tells me that i had a problem to be a man at this time. I loved to play soccer and there were no other interests at that time. I wasn't so good at school, i had some problems with some kids, i always was the weakest and i suffered a bit.

Now i go a little bit deeper in my memories, i just write what i think.

In my first years at school i had two or three close friends, but actually no real interest in girls. Actually i was always shy. Actually i really did not know what i should say, it was a different world. So i had at this time no female friends and maybe i was afraid of the girls, some of them were beautiful, some of them nice.

I think i dreamed about to be accepted by them. I never cared about them, i preferred playing soccer or with cars. They were far away for me. I felt so unpleasant when they talked to me, so ugly, like oh we have to talk to him i was nervous and had no self esteem. I admired their self esteem and i just had the feeling it would be nice to be a part of them and be accepted by them. Actually i escaped into doing typically boys stuff. But when i look back i always stand in the shadow of my sisters, they were really good at school, they were smart, i did not feel well at this time as the young brother, i had a low self esteem. At home every thing was fine, my parents were really great, till today i have a strong relationship to my mother and try to see here frequently.

Sometimes i wished to be a girl at this time, to be accepted and to show my true identity. Ok now this is really new for me, but when i look back i suffered really to be a boy. Doing this stupid boys stuff, i had no self esteem, i felt sometimes mad about me. I was unhappy to be a boy.

Hmm, i just wonder a little bit about what i just wrote. Is this really true or is it just a dream, an illusion to justify me or to fulfill the criteria to be transsexual? Do i just play a game with myself? What is my real identity? Did i really thought this way? But at this time i wasn't the smartest. I knew something is wrong and i had some psychological problems. I always thought this is only because i am the youngest and i have to meet the expectations. But actually i wasn't interested in anything but soccer. Playing soccer or going to the matches i was able to show my feelings, i screamed, i was happy, sad, disappointed, surprised, any stage of emotion. Ok, i love to live and show my feelings, i am very sensible, actually i care about not to hurt anybody. But in one way i always had bad luck. When i wanted to meet a girl i had no chance. In my whole life i had only one girl friend and this is a long time ago.

Just a remark to the present time: i do have a few close female friends i really love in a special not sexual way i just feeling good in their company. They tell me a lot of their own feelings, problems, fears because they know that i'm a really good listener. And i can put myself in their position and try to help as much as i can. The funny thing is that i do not have the feeling with my male friends, this is absolutely different. It is more the way having a good time friendship Quite funny or interesting. Actually i do not like this typical mans stuff cars, drinking to much, this macho behavior or these fights, it is silly and i this is really what i don't like about men. On the other hand i very extrovert, i always try to get the attention of all, ok, i am really good in rambling. Ok, i love to write and mostly it is too long, i love the details, i try to remember all the details of a situation when i told somebody something. I always want to tell the whole story. Funny. Just a further thought about this issue: i am traveling a lot and get in contact with a lot of different persons, but i always happy when i can work with woman, they have a better understanding of what needs to be done.

It might be stereotypes, but i fulfill a lot of stereotypes of women, they can apply on me as well. And actually i'm quite happy with it. Ok i quite often think what a woman will do instead of what a man will do. Although i am a very analytic person i always think one of my strength is my emotional intelligence.

Oh by the way i just talked about stereotypes, classical cliches about women. There are two really silly tests the cogiati and the sage test. Both tests are working with strong cliches, it is really ridiculous. But just for fun i did the cogiati test recently twice, one time in german, one time in english and the result of the sage test was that:

S.A.G.E. Test Results
Your Raw Score is: 585, which indicates that overall you are Feminine
Your appearance is Androgynous
Your brain processes are mostly that of a Female person.
You appear to socialize in a feminine manner.
You believe you have mild conflicts about your gender identity.
You indicated your were born Male.
Male to Female Transsexual, who is a serious candidate for Gender Reassignment Surgery 
Your answers indicate you may be AUTOGYNEPHILIC. Your answers indicate you may fit the following type(s):
Physiologic: arousal from the idea of having opposite sex physiology. This does not necessarily mean you WANT the physiology of the opposite sex, you just find the IDEA of it exciting.

And the result of cogiati:

The C.O.G.I.A.T.I. (transgender) Test

Share your results »
Your result for The C.O.G.I.A.T.I. (transgender) Test ...
You scored 65% female.
COGIATI classification FOUR, PROBABLE TRANSSEXUAL What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism. You show a strong degree of gender dysphoria. At the very least, further investigation should be undertaken. Your COGIATI score places you among the majority of those diagnosed as transsexuals, the 'late onset' transsexual. SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTION: Your situation is potentially serious and indicative of a probable inborn gender conflict. It is definitely recommended that you pursue further action. The suggestions for your circumstance are several. 1. It is recommended that you seek help from a sympathetic counselor or professional about your gender issues. It is very possible that over time they will become increasingly difficult to cope with. Early determination of what you really need and want is vital. You need to determine if you truly are transsexual. Keep in mind, though, that many alternatives exist other than complete sexual transformation. Partial transformation and many other way of existing are available. While you are very possibly a transsexual, COGIATI has determined that this is not absolutely certain. While time is an issue, being certain is more important. Proceed with investigation of your possible transsexuality or transgenderism, but with caution. 2. Some actions may help you to define your needs more clearly. Experimenting with living full time as a woman, taking hormones for a short time under supervision, or taking testosterone suppressers to observe how you feel are all viable options. Keep in mind that while it is very likely that you might be a transsexual, it is not certain. Do not take severe or permanent actions without long thought and the help of counselors and professionals. 3. Your gender issues are real, and should not be ignored. Neither should you rush into acting on them, however powerful they may feel. You do not fit the full criterion for the rarest classification, classic transsexuality, and so should be cautious, and open to possibilities. You may yet end up undergoing transition, and the path of the transsexual may well be your salvation. Be very careful, but do not ignore your issues. 4. If you have not already, consider joining any of the thousands of groups devoted to gender expression of various kinds. There is literally a world of friends to discover who share your interests. There are also publications, vacations, and activities that would expand your gender expression.
Your Analysis (Vertical line = Average)
You scored 65% on gender, higher than 63% of your peers.

Firstly i was shocked by the result, but then i reflect the test questions. Yes, it is true, it is about cliches and i know that this can be manipulated. So i was not shocked anymore but i started to search for more information about it. And i think 95% of the pages wrote it is silly, a waste of time, this tests does not care about that we live in different times and everybody is different. But cliches still live and i know that i do a lot of jokes about it. But if somebody really wants to hurt me is to say i am typical male. I don't want to be typical male, i think it is again a cliche what i used before. Men are drinking to much beer, talking and caring about their cars and want to show how strong they are. This is so silly. Ok by the way i do not drink much and my body does not like it all, ok talking about stereotypes: there is one i really love: it says that women cannot park there cars in parking lots. Yes then i absolutely a woman i really dislike to park my car in small park spaces, i rather look for another better parking slot.... Actually it says nothing. I will come back to the point autogynephelic later one.

Ok going back in time again:

I just sum up what i found out today: during the first years of school i did not feel well, i had only two friends and i do not feel well to be a boy. It was something ugly. I hadn't so much contact to the girls in my school, but deep in me i wanted that they accept me. I did not like the society picture of man. So my memories i had were actually wrong. It was not so good as i thought. But it sounds like a bit artificial. What do you think as my reader? Are you still with me? Are you able to follow my strange thoughts? I really do my best to keep the sentence short. But if i find something i want to write so badly then it must be out and then, yes this is really a great example the sentence is getting longer. By the way i meet another nice stereotype: woman thoughts are hardly to understand by men because it has an own logic,,,,, hmmm, ok i follow my own logic,

I like to continue with another thought i just have. I saw that a lot of people has read my first post, but i did not get any comment. I am a bit sad about it. It is so easy to read and consume, but as the author of this page i like to know more about what you think about my posts, so please just leave a comment it just should be something like oh my god waste of time this guy has strange problems or hey this is quite interesting, i am eager to read more..... Or maybe you go through the same?

Ok going back to what i just wanted to write: the goal of this blog today is to discuss if i have some memories when i was a child which indicates that i had a gender problem at that time already. And i found out that i had a problem with my role as a boy i did not really accepted the role as a boy. i was to shy to talk to the girls. I think i was too naive at that time, i was caught in my role but did not know any way out of this role. I think when i knew that my problems comes from a conflict with my gender and i did deeper analysis. I just want to say it was a crises of my identity as a boy, it is just that i admired the girls and i wanted to accept by them. But i did not say i want to be a girl at that time.

Ok let's reflect this because i do not get this for myself. Ok i always be skeptical about self analysis and especially when it is about such a serious issue. And as a further condition: my male side keeps are very strong eye on this today and always says hahaha this is not true, you just create an illusion. But my female side says something very different: it was not an illusion, this conflict was reality. I never thought about that. So i can believe this or not, it is up to me. But i'm pretty sure that my psychologic problems during my childhood had a gender reason. Maybe if i knew more about gender conflicts at that time and about gender dysphoria ( i actually don't like this expression) something would be different.

But i wouldn't say i rather played with barbies at that time, no not at all. But because i tried to be very masculine in my childhood but it wasn't so good, i always was to weak.

I just thank you for your time and have a good time and maybe you can comment my remarks.


Saturday, March 22, 2014

my first post

Hello everybody,

first of all i want to introduce myself. I am Simone, 45 and live in Europe. If you meet me as a man you think he is a nice guy, has success in job, his own company and he is just a man. But this is not the whole truth. I think or feel that it is very likely am transsexual.

In this blog i want to share my experience, my life, my dreams, my fears and which way i would go. I really appreciate any comments, any support, critic or anything else you want to tell me.

But first of all a pic i did yesterday evening:

I really like this pic, it is a bit funny. Do you like this pic? What do you think?

and another pic of me with a another wig:

I want to thank Jack and Heather for their support, they encourage me to accept my feelings and gave a lot of really good hints and shared a lot of information.

I will post more tomorrow.

Have a great day