My childhood - Conflicts and dreams and the possible truth beyond

My childhood - Conflicts and dreams

Sundays are usually my favorite days. I can live my female side very intensively and today it was fantastic. I felt so good and enjoyed it to wear my favorite clothes. Furthermore i've got a answer from a self help group which was really good and there were a lot of links inside which i think are very useful. I will come back to this later on.

Yesterday i've got an email from a friend of mine and she asked me when i do had the first feeling that something is wrong already in the childhood. The reason for this question is that most transsexual person found out already when they were young that something is wrong with their gender identity. Otherwise it could have other as psychological reasons and is not really a gender conflict. This is new for me and i do a few remarks about this.

Actually i was always convinced that the first feelings came up in my late twenties, so i am a little bit confused.

Does anybody who reads my blog knows about this? Is it really true that therapists wants to cure this? As it would be something to have a cold? I understand this point of view, i really do, but then there was something in my childhood which i suppress? Hmm, actually my childhood was nice, i have two older sisters and they prepared the way i walked. I really try to remember if i had something but right now there isn't anything that tells me that i had a problem to be a man at this time. I loved to play soccer and there were no other interests at that time. I wasn't so good at school, i had some problems with some kids, i always was the weakest and i suffered a bit.

Now i go a little bit deeper in my memories, i just write what i think.

In my first years at school i had two or three close friends, but actually no real interest in girls. Actually i was always shy. Actually i really did not know what i should say, it was a different world. So i had at this time no female friends and maybe i was afraid of the girls, some of them were beautiful, some of them nice.

I think i dreamed about to be accepted by them. I never cared about them, i preferred playing soccer or with cars. They were far away for me. I felt so unpleasant when they talked to me, so ugly, like oh we have to talk to him i was nervous and had no self esteem. I admired their self esteem and i just had the feeling it would be nice to be a part of them and be accepted by them. Actually i escaped into doing typically boys stuff. But when i look back i always stand in the shadow of my sisters, they were really good at school, they were smart, i did not feel well at this time as the young brother, i had a low self esteem. At home every thing was fine, my parents were really great, till today i have a strong relationship to my mother and try to see here frequently.

Sometimes i wished to be a girl at this time, to be accepted and to show my true identity. Ok now this is really new for me, but when i look back i suffered really to be a boy. Doing this stupid boys stuff, i had no self esteem, i felt sometimes mad about me. I was unhappy to be a boy.

Hmm, i just wonder a little bit about what i just wrote. Is this really true or is it just a dream, an illusion to justify me or to fulfill the criteria to be transsexual? Do i just play a game with myself? What is my real identity? Did i really thought this way? But at this time i wasn't the smartest. I knew something is wrong and i had some psychological problems. I always thought this is only because i am the youngest and i have to meet the expectations. But actually i wasn't interested in anything but soccer. Playing soccer or going to the matches i was able to show my feelings, i screamed, i was happy, sad, disappointed, surprised, any stage of emotion. Ok, i love to live and show my feelings, i am very sensible, actually i care about not to hurt anybody. But in one way i always had bad luck. When i wanted to meet a girl i had no chance. In my whole life i had only one girl friend and this is a long time ago.

Just a remark to the present time: i do have a few close female friends i really love in a special not sexual way i just feeling good in their company. They tell me a lot of their own feelings, problems, fears because they know that i'm a really good listener. And i can put myself in their position and try to help as much as i can. The funny thing is that i do not have the feeling with my male friends, this is absolutely different. It is more the way having a good time friendship Quite funny or interesting. Actually i do not like this typical mans stuff cars, drinking to much, this macho behavior or these fights, it is silly and i this is really what i don't like about men. On the other hand i very extrovert, i always try to get the attention of all, ok, i am really good in rambling. Ok, i love to write and mostly it is too long, i love the details, i try to remember all the details of a situation when i told somebody something. I always want to tell the whole story. Funny. Just a further thought about this issue: i am traveling a lot and get in contact with a lot of different persons, but i always happy when i can work with woman, they have a better understanding of what needs to be done.

It might be stereotypes, but i fulfill a lot of stereotypes of women, they can apply on me as well. And actually i'm quite happy with it. Ok i quite often think what a woman will do instead of what a man will do. Although i am a very analytic person i always think one of my strength is my emotional intelligence.

Oh by the way i just talked about stereotypes, classical cliches about women. There are two really silly tests the cogiati and the sage test. Both tests are working with strong cliches, it is really ridiculous. But just for fun i did the cogiati test recently twice, one time in german, one time in english and the result of the sage test was that:

S.A.G.E. Test Results
Your Raw Score is: 585, which indicates that overall you are Feminine
Your appearance is Androgynous
Your brain processes are mostly that of a Female person.
You appear to socialize in a feminine manner.
You believe you have mild conflicts about your gender identity.
You indicated your were born Male.
ANALYSIS:
Male to Female Transsexual, who is a serious candidate for Gender Reassignment Surgery 
NOTES:
Your answers indicate you may be AUTOGYNEPHILIC. Your answers indicate you may fit the following type(s):
Physiologic: arousal from the idea of having opposite sex physiology. This does not necessarily mean you WANT the physiology of the opposite sex, you just find the IDEA of it exciting.

And the result of cogiati:

The C.O.G.I.A.T.I. (transgender) Test

Results
Share your results »
Your result for The C.O.G.I.A.T.I. (transgender) Test ...
PROBABLE TRANSSEXUAL
You scored 65% female.
COGIATI classification FOUR, PROBABLE TRANSSEXUAL What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially feminine, but with some masculine or androgynous traits. It is very possible that you are a candidate for a diagnosis of transsexualism. You show a strong degree of gender dysphoria. At the very least, further investigation should be undertaken. Your COGIATI score places you among the majority of those diagnosed as transsexuals, the 'late onset' transsexual. SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTION: Your situation is potentially serious and indicative of a probable inborn gender conflict. It is definitely recommended that you pursue further action. The suggestions for your circumstance are several. 1. It is recommended that you seek help from a sympathetic counselor or professional about your gender issues. It is very possible that over time they will become increasingly difficult to cope with. Early determination of what you really need and want is vital. You need to determine if you truly are transsexual. Keep in mind, though, that many alternatives exist other than complete sexual transformation. Partial transformation and many other way of existing are available. While you are very possibly a transsexual, COGIATI has determined that this is not absolutely certain. While time is an issue, being certain is more important. Proceed with investigation of your possible transsexuality or transgenderism, but with caution. 2. Some actions may help you to define your needs more clearly. Experimenting with living full time as a woman, taking hormones for a short time under supervision, or taking testosterone suppressers to observe how you feel are all viable options. Keep in mind that while it is very likely that you might be a transsexual, it is not certain. Do not take severe or permanent actions without long thought and the help of counselors and professionals. 3. Your gender issues are real, and should not be ignored. Neither should you rush into acting on them, however powerful they may feel. You do not fit the full criterion for the rarest classification, classic transsexuality, and so should be cautious, and open to possibilities. You may yet end up undergoing transition, and the path of the transsexual may well be your salvation. Be very careful, but do not ignore your issues. 4. If you have not already, consider joining any of the thousands of groups devoted to gender expression of various kinds. There is literally a world of friends to discover who share your interests. There are also publications, vacations, and activities that would expand your gender expression.
Your Analysis (Vertical line = Average)
You scored 65% on gender, higher than 63% of your peers.

Firstly i was shocked by the result, but then i reflect the test questions. Yes, it is true, it is about cliches and i know that this can be manipulated. So i was not shocked anymore but i started to search for more information about it. And i think 95% of the pages wrote it is silly, a waste of time, this tests does not care about that we live in different times and everybody is different. But cliches still live and i know that i do a lot of jokes about it. But if somebody really wants to hurt me is to say i am typical male. I don't want to be typical male, i think it is again a cliche what i used before. Men are drinking to much beer, talking and caring about their cars and want to show how strong they are. This is so silly. Ok by the way i do not drink much and my body does not like it all, ok talking about stereotypes: there is one i really love: it says that women cannot park there cars in parking lots. Yes then i absolutely a woman i really dislike to park my car in small park spaces, i rather look for another better parking slot.... Actually it says nothing. I will come back to the point autogynephelic later one.

Ok going back in time again:

I just sum up what i found out today: during the first years of school i did not feel well, i had only two friends and i do not feel well to be a boy. It was something ugly. I hadn't so much contact to the girls in my school, but deep in me i wanted that they accept me. I did not like the society picture of man. So my memories i had were actually wrong. It was not so good as i thought. But it sounds like a bit artificial. What do you think as my reader? Are you still with me? Are you able to follow my strange thoughts? I really do my best to keep the sentence short. But if i find something i want to write so badly then it must be out and then, yes this is really a great example the sentence is getting longer. By the way i meet another nice stereotype: woman thoughts are hardly to understand by men because it has an own logic,,,,, hmmm, ok i follow my own logic,

I like to continue with another thought i just have. I saw that a lot of people has read my first post, but i did not get any comment. I am a bit sad about it. It is so easy to read and consume, but as the author of this page i like to know more about what you think about my posts, so please just leave a comment it just should be something like oh my god waste of time this guy has strange problems or hey this is quite interesting, i am eager to read more..... Or maybe you go through the same?

Ok going back to what i just wanted to write: the goal of this blog today is to discuss if i have some memories when i was a child which indicates that i had a gender problem at that time already. And i found out that i had a problem with my role as a boy i did not really accepted the role as a boy. i was to shy to talk to the girls. I think i was too naive at that time, i was caught in my role but did not know any way out of this role. I think when i knew that my problems comes from a conflict with my gender and i did deeper analysis. I just want to say it was a crises of my identity as a boy, it is just that i admired the girls and i wanted to accept by them. But i did not say i want to be a girl at that time.

Ok let's reflect this because i do not get this for myself. Ok i always be skeptical about self analysis and especially when it is about such a serious issue. And as a further condition: my male side keeps are very strong eye on this today and always says hahaha this is not true, you just create an illusion. But my female side says something very different: it was not an illusion, this conflict was reality. I never thought about that. So i can believe this or not, it is up to me. But i'm pretty sure that my psychologic problems during my childhood had a gender reason. Maybe if i knew more about gender conflicts at that time and about gender dysphoria ( i actually don't like this expression) something would be different.

But i wouldn't say i rather played with barbies at that time, no not at all. But because i tried to be very masculine in my childhood but it wasn't so good, i always was to weak.

I just thank you for your time and have a good time and maybe you can comment my remarks.

Simone